Trump Attacked Me on Twitter
On March 2, 2018, at a time when most presidents would still be sleeping off their previous evening’s cheeseburgers-in-bed, Trump put our tax dollars to use with some executive time.
And when I woke up, I saw all over the headlines that he’d attacked me on Twitter.
But People magazine gave a shout-out to a different Alex Baldwin, running an article about how this 28-year-old has had to put up with Alec Baldwin jokes his whole life. If the story’s exigence lies in how long the man has suffered, well then I’ve had to put up with this crap for nearly 31 years!
So I promptly sent a tweet to Stephen Colbert, asking if he would honor my plight by inducting me into The Late Show with Stephen Colbert Presents The Trump Attacked Me on Twitter Hall of Fame.
He didn’t. That’s probably due to our differing roles in society: his being significant, mine more comfortably lounging out in oblivion.
I don’t, however, think it has anything to do with him not being willing to.
So, fortunately, there’s always Windows’s free program Paint.
My Trump Attacked Me on Twitter Acceptance Speech (Read Defense)
It’s tough to start an award’s speech by having to defend myself, but here it goes.
Alex Baldwin is my legal name. So, legally speaking, Trump attacked me.
According to Snopes.com (which according to Wikipedia is one of the internet’s very first fact-checking websites) in an article debunking a fake Trump tweet that also bore my name, they stated and I quote, “[f]inally, while Trump’s Twitter account has presented some spelling errors, the President-elect most likely knows that the actor’s name is “Alec Baldwin” and not “Alex Baldwin,” as evidenced by other real Trump tweets about the actor.”
That’s a long-time, fact-checking website claiming as fact that Trump would not likely spell Alec Baldwin’s name incorrectly in a tweet. So, factual-precedently speaking, when Trump began his tweet, he was not talking about Alec Baldwin.
Maybe he started the sentence talking about me, then he went somewhere else by word association mid-sentence. And, speaking of precedent, is that really hard to believe? Some people pay taxes to competent leaders of their country. We, here in America, have chosen to give our money to an old man who spends most of the year golfing in Florida and tweeting word salads.
We explain Trump to our children as if they’re about to spend some retirement-home time with “grandpa great.”
So, there we have it: Trump attacked me on twitter. And a greater relief there could not be.
In the Trump Attacked Me on Twitter Hall of Fame, there’s some good company. Trump attacked Mayor Carmen Yulín Cruz for caring about her people (just hit by a catastrophic hurricane) more than caring about his ego. The president of the United States of America called Jon Stewart a pussy on Twitter at 2:30 one morning. He even made up a lie in order to attack John Oliver.
May I never live in such a way that would warrant that man’s praise.
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